What I call life is a journey to death.
What I call death is a gateway to life.
Here, joy begins to enter into us.
There, we enter into Joy
author unknown
The circumstances related to his untimely and unexpected death are not as much important to me as they might be to others. I suppose it is human nature to want to know the exact cause of death in someone so young, so healthy, and so beautiful. Asking "how it happened" might help others to make sense of something incomprehensible or worse might lead one to judge another's fate as if it was ever in his ultimate control. The first reality is that the answer, reason, cause, or circumstance does not change the fact or truth. The other reality is that each one of us will have a turn with death for which we will not know the hour or day. We can humor ourselves into living a lifestyle that is as healthy and risk free as possible (I say this because I am guilty of this), but the reality is that we are all imperfect and mortal beings. I believe with greater clarity than ever, that our fragile lives are in the hands of God ultimately. Should you feel bold enough to believe otherwise, to this I say with humbled heart: 'May the Grace of God be with you.' Nevertheless, I believe one should try to live as healthfully as one is capable of. Life should be honored in a manner that honors God. I have learned over the years not to judge the decisions one makes that ultimately and detrimentally impacts his health and quality of living. Life can be a struggle and we are at the mercy of life's circumstance.
During the past year as I have nurtured my relationship with God, I have found myself asking God to show me how to be more merciful toward others (one of my prayer requests) and the outcome has been of such great benefit, spiritually of course, but also personally and professionally (I work in healthcare.) How can I ask for God's grace if I am unable to forgive or excuse others? There is also Nicholas' dignity in death that I feel needs to be protected if you will. Since we do not know all the facts surrounding his death nor will we ever, we are left with speculation and speculation is a road I refuse to take for more than one or two steps. I prefer instead to walk with God and trust in Him for the long haul. Nicholas' life and death was always in God's hands. Nicholas' death was by all accounts unexpected and tragically accidental. There is no evidence to suggest otherwise. Thus we did not have an opportunity to say our good-bye's. That of course was God's will and I can accept that knowing that God's purpose for my life will be fulfilled in time as well. I put my trust in my Father. As much as I felt a motherly love for Nicholas who was 13 years younger than I, I know that God's love for my brother was much greater. I take much comfort in knowing that my brother's life has always been cradled in the hands of Christ who chose to bring His son Home after a short journey with us. Some may ask, 'why ?', but I ask 'why not ?' when I consider what kind of person my brother was and reflect on his life's journey. Why wouldn't God bring a beautiful spirit back into his home?
My brother's death has of course intensified my relationship with God in a more personal manner. For this I am so grateful. I am walking in the light of God's Grace, an experience that is undoubtedly impossible to put into words, but I will do my best to describe my experience with humility and gratitude in blogs to come. I am at my Father's mercy to live His will. My grief has been great. There is no doubt that at times I have felt as though I might be walking through total darkness, hell if you will, but God has always been right next to me leading me back into the light. Undoubtedly I have felt His persistent and unwavering presence comforting my shattered heart. With humbled and contrite heart, not feeling particularly worthy of His mercy and grace, I have embraced the light of his mercy and grace in much the same manner as that of a child who without the slightest inhibition, embraces his parent unconditionally when the spirit moves him.
And of course I have had the support of my dear husband Mike, my 3 beautiful children, Aiden, Liam and Rori, my many family members, in particular, my mom and dad, and some very dear friends who have gently come to my aid with such acts of kindness, for which I am equally grateful. There is no doubt that the support has eased the burden of this experience. Lastly I can't be neglectful of the hundreds of prayers that have been prayed on my behalf and the thousands that have been prayed for my parents. They have been answered as I continue to feel God's peace, grace and strength.
This has been a time of confusion for me as well as I try to make sense of the loneliness of this experience, knowing that this is my journey for which I must walk alone to a large degree. After all my relationship with Nicholas was mine for the taking. I must now grieve the loss of a relationship that belonged to no one else but me.
I do not blame Nicholas for his early departure. "Life will bring sadness all by itself. Our responsibility is to create joy." He was a remarkably resilient human being. I have nothing but pride and love for him. I know enough to know that his life's journey and the manner in which he lived earned him a spot in Heaven. I am humbled with immense gratitude for the time we had with Nicholas and I have God to thank for that. My life is forever changed. Life is indeed a precious and fragile gift. Nicholas' life was indeed precious and beautiful. He loved and was loved by many. His love remains within me. I will carry it close at heart to share in his honor and in remembrance of him. I will continue to reconcile as I grow in my faith. And last, I do not blame God for taking Nicholas away so soon. How can I possibly blame Him for wanting such a beautiful life to return to Him? Again, for me the question is not 'why?' but 'why not?'
May the Grace of God be with you always.
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