All the Glory to God

I continue to be humbled by God's grace and comfort during this difficult time. It has been a gift I cherish and can not live without. I will continue to seek it through penance, gratitude, daily prayer, adoration of the blessed sacrament, and service to God. As much as grieving Nicholas' death is difficult and painful, to say the least, surrendering to God's will has brought a measure of peace and comfort that I had not expected. All the Glory be to God. I am thankful beyond words or measure.

Overcoming a Grief Burst

I have been told by others who have been there before, that grief never really ends, it just changes over time. At the time, I could wrap my mind around that concept, but did not fully appreciate it. I know in time I will come to a greater understanding of it as my heart continues to wrap itself around the journey that I am taking. The acute pain of my loss has dissipated during the past 3 months since Nicholas died. If you had asked me how I was doing 2 days ago, my response would have been something like this: I am doing pretty well. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of Nicholas. My thoughts of him and his death bring me sadness and often I shed a tear. I cherish happy memories of him. I miss him and I am reminded of this every day that I wake. That will probably never change, but I am able to find much joy in my life, and gratitude for all my blessings in spite of...

That was something I would have said to you 2 days ago, in a composed manner befitting of someone who is coping rather well. However, yesterday I was blindsided, if you will, by my grief. I am thus reminded of what others who have experienced the death of a close loved one have said to me during the past 3 months about being ambushed by grief by an insignificant trigger. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I am feeling deep sadness and pain just as intense as it was when Nicholas died and I feel powerless at the moment to stop it. Dr. Alan Wolfelt refers to this as a Grief Burst. At the time, I have to say, I was a bit offended by the well meaning, but nevertheless, unsolicited information that given to me by others who have faced the death of a very close loved one. At the time I remembered thinking that there must be a perfectly good reason why so many seemed to share this information with me and I chose not to dismiss it, and instead tucked it away. I now find myself grateful for the warning as I cope with the emotions before me.

I am now trying to work through these raw and powerful emotions. It took me the better part of 6 weeks to work through them the first time. My father had the misfortune of experiencing a Grief Burst last week and my heart ached for him. Fortunately when I spoke with him a few days later her assured me he was doing much better. I have my trust in God and will seek and attempt to live his will through The Holy Spirit's continued guidance. For now, this is what I must endure with obedience to Him and trust in his will for me. I am still eternally grateful for all of my blessings in life and all that is good in this world. God is so good! This I know.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted"

~ Christ on the Mount

I am Grateful!

Today I am grateful for....

• God the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. What more is there to say?
• My attitude of gratitude. Gratitude has opened my heart and allowed God's grace to rush in! It has permitted peace to linger, settle and make a home in my soul! It eradicates worry, cures perfectionism, turns chaos into order and confusion into clarity and so much more!
• My Faith. It sustains me.
• The Bible. There is a reason why it is the most widely read book of all time.
• My sorrow. My sorrow has not been ignored by God. God's love and grace shines through during my weakest moments and this brings more comfort, peace, strength and perseverance!
• My husband Mike. He lightens my load with his love, support, friendship..... He also gives great massages, something he has promised to do for me in 20 minutes, so I have to write quickly!!!
• My three children. They make me laugh, cry, and love.
• My mom. Her strength and resilience inspires me. She is an amazing person. I am so blessed!
• My dad. He loves me!
• Happy memories of Nicholas
• My friends. Their support has lightened my burden and reminded me that I am cared for.
• My job. My patients and their parents inspire me.... their daily struggles humble my heart and bring me to my knees with compassion.
• The "Hooch." I love ending my daily runs at the river. It is absolutely breathtaking. I love walking down to the bed of rocks across from our street. The water is freezing and the mist the river emits is like nature's air conditioner during hot weather days! It is awesome! Sometimes I find older kids and teens jumping from the rope swing right into the water when the water is calm!
• Good Health. If I live long enough, it won't always be so.
• Camp Outs with my family. Vogel State Park was so much fun this week. I enjoyed roasting marsh mellows and hot dogs, sitting by the fire, listening to Aiden tell ghost stories to Liam and Rori...
• Fishing with my children. The joy on their little faces....
• Hiking with my family.
• Answered prayers. All prayers are answered. Sometimes the answer is not what is expected, but they are always answered with purpose. Accepting the answer may be difficult, but I enjoy the freedom that comes with acceptance and trust. I am so grateful for all the prayers that have been said for me and my family! THANK YOU!
• Help from strangers. Kindness is ALWAYS welcomed.
• To be alive. Life is such an amazing miracle and gift! It is meant to be appreciated fully!
• Fire flies in the summer.
• Liam's kisses and hugs. They are the best.
• Rori's 'I love You's'
• Aiden's sense of humor. Laughter is great medicine
• Family
• Mike's humor.
• Bedtime prayers with Aiden, Liam and Rori.
• Angels. I do believe in God's servants.
• Music. I love it.
• Vision. Without it, I wouldn't get to see my children's beautiful faces, Mike's constant smile, 'the hooch', everything that is not man made....
• My legs. My friend's husband recently had bilateral surgical amputation. There are no guarantees in life. Accidents happen; illness happens; I am so grateful to be able to walk, run and play with my kids and do all the other things in life that walking permits me to do with greater ease.
• Perpetual Adoration I look forward to my daily visit to the Adoration Chapel at St. Brigid's once Liam and Aiden return to school at Holy Redeemer. It is my daily dose of heaven. If you are having trouble feeling God's love, just walk into a Perpetual Adoration Chapel (you don't have to be Catholic either). There is no denying His presence.
• Hope
• Love
• Faith

I could keep writing as the list could go on. Gratitude is an amazing attitude. It takes practice, especially if you are a 'glass half empty' kinda person but even if you are a 'glass half full' kinda person, it takes what you have and makes it more than enough. The amazing thing about adopting an 'attitude of gratitude' is that it allows me to see my cup 'over flow!' Thank you M.J. Ryan for your guidance and introspect. Attitudes of Gratitude is a book I began reading over and over almost one year ago after attending a woman's retreat at my sons' school. It is an amazingly insightful book that has had a profound impact on how I choose to live!

The Dragon Fly

This is an endearing story that my friend Eileen shared with me several weeks ago. I was instantly drawn in by it's charming childlike narrative as well as it's message of promise regarding life after death. In this way it is symbolically analogous to my own spiritual beliefs about dying and finding a 'far superior way of life to what he had ever known existed' as in REVELATION 21.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing on the seashore,

A ship sails and spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.

She is an object of beauty

and I stand watching her

till at last she fades on the horizon,

and someone at my side says "she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight that is all.

She is just as large in the masts, hull and spurs,

as she was when I saw her,

and just as able to bear her load of living freight

to its destination.

The diminished size, the total loss of sight is

in me not in her, and just at the moment

when someone at my side says "She is gone"

There are others who are watching her coming,

and other voices take up the glad shout.

" here she comes."

And that is dying

Henry Van Dyke

This is a beautiful poem written by Henry Van Dyke who was an early American writer, poet, and clergy man. Over the years it has been shared by our family and friends during various memorial services for dear loved ones now departed. My mom requested that it be shared during Nicholas' Requiem Service and was delivered with grace by my dear aunt, Adelita.

Reflections From the Heart: 'Why Not?'

What I call life is a journey to death.

What I call death is a gateway to life.

Here, joy begins to enter into us.

There, we enter into Joy

author unknown

In just a few short breaths, a few blinks of an eye, the few seconds it took for me to casually answer my phone and listen to the voice of my father talking on the other end in words my mind struggled to understand and my heart wished not to accept, my life was forever changed on the evening of Tuesday, May 25th, 2010. I learned that just minutes earlier my 25 year old baby brother Nicholas, the only sibling I have ever known, had died, efforts to save his life proving futile. The moments leading up to that call and thereafter will be forever etched into my memory.

The circumstances related to his untimely and unexpected death are not as much important to me as they might be to others. I suppose it is human nature to want to know the exact cause of death in someone so young, so healthy, and so beautiful. Asking "how it happened" might help others to make sense of something incomprehensible or worse might lead one to judge another's fate as if it was ever in his ultimate control. The first reality is that the answer, reason, cause, or circumstance does not change the fact or truth. The other reality is that each one of us will have a turn with death for which we will not know the hour or day. We can humor ourselves into living a lifestyle that is as healthy and risk free as possible (I say this because I am guilty of this), but the reality is that we are all imperfect and mortal beings. I believe with greater clarity than ever, that our fragile lives are in the hands of God ultimately. Should you feel bold enough to believe otherwise, to this I say with humbled heart: 'May the Grace of God be with you.' Nevertheless, I believe one should try to live as healthfully as one is capable of. Life should be honored in a manner that honors God. I have learned over the years not to judge the decisions one makes that ultimately and detrimentally impacts his health and quality of living. Life can be a struggle and we are at the mercy of life's circumstance.

During the past year as I have nurtured my relationship with God, I have found myself asking God to show me how to be more merciful toward others (one of my prayer requests) and the outcome has been of such great benefit, spiritually of course, but also personally and professionally (I work in healthcare.) How can I ask for God's grace if I am unable to forgive or excuse others? There is also Nicholas' dignity in death that I feel needs to be protected if you will. Since we do not know all the facts surrounding his death nor will we ever, we are left with speculation and speculation is a road I refuse to take for more than one or two steps. I prefer instead to walk with God and trust in Him for the long haul. Nicholas' life and death was always in God's hands. Nicholas' death was by all accounts unexpected and tragically accidental. There is no evidence to suggest otherwise. Thus we did not have an opportunity to say our good-bye's. That of course was God's will and I can accept that knowing that God's purpose for my life will be fulfilled in time as well. I put my trust in my Father. As much as I felt a motherly love for Nicholas who was 13 years younger than I, I know that God's love for my brother was much greater. I take much comfort in knowing that my brother's life has always been cradled in the hands of Christ who chose to bring His son Home after a short journey with us. Some may ask, 'why ?', but I ask 'why not ?' when I consider what kind of person my brother was and reflect on his life's journey. Why wouldn't God bring a beautiful spirit back into his home?

My brother's death has of course intensified my relationship with God in a more personal manner. For this I am so grateful. I am walking in the light of God's Grace, an experience that is undoubtedly impossible to put into words, but I will do my best to describe my experience with humility and gratitude in blogs to come. I am at my Father's mercy to live His will. My grief has been great. There is no doubt that at times I have felt as though I might be walking through total darkness, hell if you will, but God has always been right next to me leading me back into the light. Undoubtedly I have felt His persistent and unwavering presence comforting my shattered heart. With humbled and contrite heart, not feeling particularly worthy of His mercy and grace, I have embraced the light of his mercy and grace in much the same manner as that of a child who without the slightest inhibition, embraces his parent unconditionally when the spirit moves him.

And of course I have had the support of my dear husband Mike, my 3 beautiful children, Aiden, Liam and Rori, my many family members, in particular, my mom and dad, and some very dear friends who have gently come to my aid with such acts of kindness, for which I am equally grateful. There is no doubt that the support has eased the burden of this experience. Lastly I can't be neglectful of the hundreds of prayers that have been prayed on my behalf and the thousands that have been prayed for my parents. They have been answered as I continue to feel God's peace, grace and strength.

This has been a time of confusion for me as well as I try to make sense of the loneliness of this experience, knowing that this is my journey for which I must walk alone to a large degree. After all my relationship with Nicholas was mine for the taking. I must now grieve the loss of a relationship that belonged to no one else but me.

I do not blame Nicholas for his early departure. "Life will bring sadness all by itself. Our responsibility is to create joy." He was a remarkably resilient human being. I have nothing but pride and love for him. I know enough to know that his life's journey and the manner in which he lived earned him a spot in Heaven. I am humbled with immense gratitude for the time we had with Nicholas and I have God to thank for that. My life is forever changed. Life is indeed a precious and fragile gift. Nicholas' life was indeed precious and beautiful. He loved and was loved by many. His love remains within me. I will carry it close at heart to share in his honor and in remembrance of him. I will continue to reconcile as I grow in my faith. And last, I do not blame God for taking Nicholas away so soon. How can I possibly blame Him for wanting such a beautiful life to return to Him? Again, for me the question is not 'why?' but 'why not?'

May the Grace of God be with you always.

Eulogy To My Baby Brother

Nicholas Cantarella, Jr was welcomed into this world and into our hearts on Monday, April 8th, 1985 at 3:41 in the morning in Nuremburg, Germany.

Dear Nicholas,

Nick was the name you preferred, but to mom and dad, you were and always will be our “Nickanitch.” Your kind and gentle spirit was one of your many gifts to us. Thank you my sweet baby brother. Your gift of finding the good in others is what drew so many to you. Your heart was busting at the seams with unconditional childlike grace. Words simply can not convey the pain of our shattered hearts. We will forever be grateful to you and to God for the time we had with you.

You were blessed with many talents. As a young member of the DC Flyers, anyone who had the pleasure of being your team mate (Andrew) would attest to your speed and agility. You were a track star in your own right. You ran a fast mile. One of my favorite track meets of yours was the Southeast Regional Meet held at the University of North Carolina. You ran with resolve and determination. You were your father’s son. Not surprising to me then was your 2nd place finish.

To say you were gifted with computers would be an understatement. I will not pretend I understood or fully appreciated your knowledge of the Linux Operating System, however, the mere fact that you and my brother in law, who by the way is a computer guru in his own right, could talk for hours on end without me being able to understand a single word you were saying, let me know just how bright you were.

You did not concern yourself with material or monetary wealth. You would gladly share or give away your earthly possessions if asked, perhaps with the exception of your birkenstocks, your Coca-cola and Big Red beverages. Your generous spirit spoke volumes to many.

I have had the pleasure of talking to and listening to your friends over the past 3 days and the one common thread in every conversation is that they considered you to be such a loyal friend. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to help a friend in need and judging from my conversations with your friends and cousins L.J. and Andrea, if they had the power to extend your time here on earth, they would do so in a heart beat just to spend more time with you. We all would, especially mom and dad. Know that I am listening to you and feel your loving embrace within me. Perhaps in time our shattered hearts will mend, but for now we will continue to turn to God for grace and comfort and to each other for support.

You lived a Christian life not by verbal ministry, but by example. You were a believer. Anyone who knew you would know that your heart was busting at the seams. And your spirit, your precious gentle spirit. It is the very thing that drew so many to you, particularly God’s children and little creatures. Your gentle childlike soul found common ground with children like Aiden, Liam, Rori and little Michael. They loved to be in your presence, to spend time with you, to play with you. God beams with pride at you. I feel certain our beloved Bogey is among those awaiting your entrance into the kingdom of God. Tyra was your source of pride and joy in recent years. There isn’t a thing you wouldn’t and did not do for your Tyra. Know that Tyra is being cared for by the best person capable of honoring your spirit, mom. If Tyra could be here with us, she would. Trust me, she tried. It took everything in me to hold her back as we departed the house you called home.

Words will never convey the magnitude of your love for us, especially your love for mom and dad. Your love is still here, we simply need to open our hearts to it and listen. It is in another dimension now. I had the wonderful pleasure of experiencing it yesterday. It was beyond beautiful and joyful, an almost nirvana kind of love. If what I felt was just a small ounce of what you are experiencing now in Heaven, and I’m sure it is, then let me reassure you, mom, dad, friends and family, Nicholas is in paradise, in a palace of joy and love that defies our imagination. Nicholas is with God and all the angels in Heaven. There is no doubt in my mind. For now I will await my turn with patience and joyful anticipation. For now I will continue to do God’s work. For now we will continue to rely on God for grace and comfort and to each other for support.

If there is one thing Nicholas would want us to practice in our daily lives, it would be to follow the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Matthew 7:12)

Your loving big sister always,

“Niecey”

I have not changed the words to this eulogy. These are my original words, spoken from the heart following a prayer of guidance to God to help me prepare a tribute to my brother that would bring to light and embody my brother's spirit to the best of my ability. Armed with a strong and powerful awareness of the presence of God's grace as well as the presence of the Holy Spirit, and Nicholas' lingering love, I found the strength to deliver his eulogy. There was a brief moment 2 hours before I was to speak in which I experienced self doubt, this was after all one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I remember expressing my self doubt to my aunts who were within ear shot of me and without hesitation all three of them lovingly surrounded me in prayer asking God to send as many guardian angels as He could spare (if memory serves me correct, I believe it was a 'legion of angels' that was requested) to surround, guard, guide, and give strength to us gathered in The Church of Holy Trinity during Nicholas' Requiem Service. If Nicholas was given a hand to play in collecting the angels that were sent, it wouldn't surprise me in the least. Their powerful presence was felt.